Travel & Emotional Sobriety:
- Heather Wentz
- Aug 26
- 7 min read
How to Stay Sober (and Sane) When Your Partner Relapses
What happens when the one place that’s supposed to be your sanctuary is under attack from an invisible enemy and becomes the epicenter of active addiction?
Welcome to the Wander Women series, where we highlight incredible women who have shed the heavy armor of their pasts to travel, live, and breathe on their own terms. These are stories of survival, exploration, and the beautiful weightlessness that comes when you finally decide to reclaim your life.
In recovery, we talk a lot about carrying the message, not the mess. But when the mess belongs to the person sharing your home and your life, keeping your footing can feel almost impossible.
There is a unique, gut-wrenching loneliness in sitting in a meeting sharing hope, only to return home to a house where active addiction is running the show. Staying physically sober can be hard enough, but holding onto your emotional sobriety while living inside someone else’s active storm? That’s a different beast altogether.
For this feature, we meet Shari, who walked through that exact valley. From navigating the deep resentment of a loved one who "should know better" to rediscovering the vastness of God at 10,000 feet on a snow-covered mountain, this is Shari’s journey through active detachment, finding forgiveness, and discovering that peace isn't just surviving the blizzard—it's learning to dance with the mountain.
Living with an Addicted Spouse: The Fight for Emotional Sobriety
When active addiction infiltrates a home, the sense of security you spent a lifetime building begins to shatter. For Shari, the daily reality reminded her of what it would be like skiing on "unpredictable terrain with zero visibility"—a chaotic landscape marked by constant instability, self-pity, and an all-consuming fear. What was once her safe haven had completely shifted.
Active in her church and 12-step fellowship, the sheer toxicity of her home environment began to erode her inner foundation. "I became fearful of losing everything I had spent years building, and my trust in God deteriorated," Shari shares. "I successfully maintained my physical sobriety but was becoming emotionally driven,” When one is emotionally driven, it’s difficult to be spiritually guided.
As the disease continued its slow destruction, it took a quiet, heavy toll on her spirit. "Addiction is a progressive disease. The effects of living with it are also progressive," Shari explains. "I progressed through powerlessness and right into unmanageability without my consent and without ever picking up. In the process, I forgot to hate the disease, instead of the addict."
Left in that space, the chaos became completely unyielding. As Shari starkly realized, "Addiction thrives in isolation and darkness. Without God and a program for families and loved ones of alcoholics, it's uncontainable." It was like "I was mourning my marriage while I was still in it."
The Pivot to Peace: Moving Beyond Physical Sobriety
As the chaos inside her home escalated, Shari faced a harsh reality: her personal recovery tools weren't working on her marriage.
"I already had a working knowledge of the 12 steps and had successfully applied them to my own addiction; therefore, I naively believed that I should be able to apply what I already knew," she reflects. "But I couldn't. Without a specific family recovery program, I was completely incompetent to apply the 12 steps inside my own home."
It became glaringly obvious that while physical recovery kept her sober, her emotional foundation was crumbling. "Addiction took a toll on my emotional well-being, my physical safety, and my ability to envision a healthy future for myself," she shares.
The turning point required humility and an open-minded willingness to become teachable again, realizing she didn't need to have all the answers. Instead of trying to force control, she had to confront her own knee-jerk reactions, coming to the striking realization: "I had the right to remain silent, but not the ability."
To practice pausing when agitated, she turned toward Step 11 and began meditating on the St. Francis Prayer, which pairs character defects with their opposite assets. In that stillness, God froze her pain long enough for her to see through her anger—realizing that instead of bringing harmony, she was adding to the discord, and instead of living by faith, she had begun to completely doubt God. Recognizing her powerlessness over another person's illness, she turned back to her roots, stepping through the doors of another 12 step fellowship, this one for friends and families of alcoholics, leaning into prayer, and reading Total Forgiveness at the suggestion of a woman in her support group.
Around this time, a video comparison of the galaxy further reframed her spiritual perspective—reminding her that while the disease had felt as vast as the sun, the God who created the universe was infinitely bigger than her circumstances. That visual clicked:
"I worship a God who hung stars but had become the size of a golf ball," Shari explains. "The manifestation of the disease had become as big as the sun."
This shift in perspective allowed her to stop fixating on the storm and start trusting God's larger design for her life. Embracing Helen Keller's reflection on hardship, she realized that "character cannot be developed in ease and quiet... In other words: Romans 8:28."
Emotional Sobriety: Stepping into Serenity and Freedom
💡 What is Emotional Sobriety? Emotional sobriety is the practice of maintaining inner stability, emotional balance, and spiritual alignment regardless of external circumstances or the actions of others. While physical sobriety means abstaining from active addiction, emotional sobriety means shedding internal reactivity—learning to navigate life’s storms with peace, healthy boundaries, and self-worth rather than fear or control.
In recovery support groups for families, the ultimate goal isn't controlling the addict or fixing the storm—the goal is serenity. For Shari, finding that peace required leaning into the foundational Three Cs of recovery: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." Realizing she was powerless over her spouse’s illness allowed her to drop the crushing weight of responsibility.
Instead of isolating, Shari stayed firmly grounded in her recovery community. She made a commitment to staying accountable to her home group and support system, and carried the message of hope to other women who were walking through their own dark valleys. Reconnecting with service and community became a lifeline that continuously pulled her out of self-pity and back into alignment with God.
Her spiritual perspective began to expand even further as she reclaimed her right to experience joy. Reflecting on her journey, she recalled: "In Eat the Cookie... Buy the Shoes, Joyce Meyer uses the idea of God's lavish creation to remind us that God created an abundant world meant to be enjoyed, not just endured." Embracing that beauty pulled her out of survival mode and back into living fully.
By surrendering what was never hers to carry and anchoring her heart in trust, fear lost its grip. “It’s been faith over fear ever since—and a few giggles along the way.”
Healing Through Travel and Nature: Learning to Dance with the Mountain
While recovery restored her inner stability, stepping outside into nature became the space where Shari truly reclaimed her life. Rather than remaining trapped in the toxic environment of active addiction, she chose exploration and movement as vital components of her healing.
"Curiosity and a sense of adventure drew me outside the four walls that could have kept me hostage to fear and anger," she shares.
Getting out into creation reframed her understanding of God's heart for her. The abundance and beauty of what God has created is evidence that He wants His children to enjoy an abundant life. Out on the snow-covered slopes, surrounded by majestic peaks, worship became an effortless, natural response. "I find myself closest to God in worship and gratitude," Shari says. "Worship transforms my perspective and priorities. When my heart is aligned with His, it influences everything."
Skiing, in particular, offered a profound physical reflection of her emotional journey—requiring total presence, focus, and trust in the path ahead.
"I love the outdoors. I'm grateful to be back at the summit," she notes. "Skiing is about pursuit… and being fully present. A crowded day on the slopes definitely requires focus. But my favorites are the uncrowded runs when I can set my sight on the landscape ahead and dance with the mountain."
Making travel a priority was an intentional act of self-care, made achievable through smart planning rather than reckless spending. "I've always been a saver, and funding my passion is no different..." she adds, strategically taking advantage of travel on points and miles to bring her mountain dreams into reality.
A Map for the Storm: Advice and Hope
If you're reading this while sitting in your car after a meeting—heater running, hands frozen, crying because you're terrified to walk through your own front door—know this: you are not stuck, and you are not alone. Here is Shari’s compass for navigating the storm:
Release the Savior Complex: "Saving another person is God's job. Carrying the message is ours. Be an example and don't stop praying. God's timing never matches ours. Nor do His solutions."
Don't Navigate the Mountain Alone: Seeking out a family recovery support group and building a trusted support system was the turning point for Shari’s emotional survival. "Remaining detached at arm's length is fairly easy, but living with it inside your own home is a different beast altogether... Don't attempt this alone."
Choose Faith Over Fear: The terrifying unknowns waiting on the other side of letting go are often far scarier in our minds than in reality. Trust that God will position the right people in your path for every season.
Today, Shari is embracing a life rich with worship, outdoor adventure, deep friendships, and unshakeable serenity. She learned serenity isn't found in controlling the storm inside your home—it is found in surrendering what isn't yours to fix, stepping out of isolation, and discovering the freedom, joy, and peace waiting for you on the summit.
Her ultimate parting wisdom for all of us wandering through our own cold seasons?
"Eat the cookie, buy the skis!"
Ready to Find Your Own Summit?
Sometimes, the best way to regain your emotional footing is to step completely out of the noise and back into the vastness of the world. Whether you need a solitary mountain reset, a serene nature getaway, or an intentional retreat to recharge your soul, you don't have to navigate the planning alone.
Let’s curate a trip that helps you shed the weight, breathe deeply, and reconnect with joy.
Healing and living fully were never meant to be done in isolation. Whether you are navigating a season of heavy transition, looking for sober-friendly travel inspiration, or simply longing for a safe space to connect with women who get it, you belong here.
Come sit with us, share your journey, and find your community:
Suitcases & Sobriety: A sober travel collective - A sober travel collective for the sober and sober-curious.
Friends of Bill W Cruising - 12 step Cruise community
Friends of Bill W Travel - 12 step travel community
The Connected Compass - A trauma-informed travel collective for families who need a different kind of map.
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